FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
eggs benadryl
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
TODAY