my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Go girl power!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.