bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
You Might Also Like
bout dat hot dog summer
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.