[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You Might Also Like
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
They also CAN sing✌️
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney