Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp