How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
me: my friends:
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.