all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You Might Also Like
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
this came to me in a vision
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: