Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
what?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?