[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.