We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut