Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
where do you see yourself in five years?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
haha same
Me when my alarm goes off
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.