Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Guy who likes music
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?