The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
No, he would not have.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”