We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”