Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
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Webb. James Webb.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.