The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Love thy neighbor’s dog
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.