WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.