Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The glory of fall.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?