Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Chemical wingman
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.