My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.