Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation