Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better