wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE