A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Guantanamo Bae
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Smooooooth
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo