ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire