A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Is….Is this an option?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher