me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
You Might Also Like
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
respect
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.