“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.