My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now