tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
You Might Also Like
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I can fix him.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now