hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
This is hilarious….
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends