Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Just a phase…
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
#merica
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.