The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
New favorite tiktok
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.