dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.