Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
This why you should mind your business
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015