9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.