If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The three genders
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets