Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
o shit
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.