I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”