Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Got him!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Breaking news:
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
adam and eve had first world problems
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.