I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.