Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.