Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I’d rather go liquor treating.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains