Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.