Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”