a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.