I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers