[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
You Might Also Like
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.