Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
This guy gets it.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam