I put the p in pants.
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.